Loathing Self Doubt

Self doubt can be a killer, and so can your own thoughts. The human race is greatly known for placing pressure on themselves to strive for perfection. And if it is not perfect, all hell breaks loose. I am no exception. My mind is my worst enemy, no matter what I’m doing and writing is often when it happens for me. At the moment, I am editing my book and a lot of negative thoughts have been coming into my brain. You’re not good enough… This book is terrible… I am a horrible writer… How do authors do it…

And quite often, if not all the time, I struggle to overcome this doubt that I have planted into my head, on purpose or by accident. Sometimes it makes me want to just give up altogether because I feel like I can’t do anything that pleases my own brain, and it can take a very big toll on my self-confidence. It’s like a wall that you’ve put up over the years, but every single time you begin to doubt yourself, it is like an army that is attacking your castle, attempting to rip down your wall–brick by brick, and overrun your kingdom.

The thing about self doubt is that once it starts, it continues to build and build until you are weighed down my your own constant attacks. And eventually, it becomes unbearable until you do give up. Or, your mind sets in to perfection; the constant need to perfect a small action until it is something that you can no longer send self doubt towards. The only problem is that generally, you can never make it better, or not in your eyes. Through your eyes, it is just as bad as it was before, maybe even worse, and your self doubt becomes stronger and stronger.

I loath self doubt because it really does make you feel bad about yourself and, for me, it makes me feel bad about my writing. Writing is something that I dream of doing for the rest of my life, particularly, making it as a well-known published author; and when I get self doubt, I begin to wonder if I should begin to look at other potential career options, rather than just wasting my time on something that could potentially not even happen because I am simply not good enough.

I have trouble getting through these sorts of rough patches, as does anyone. I just have this constant worrying that I am not only letting myself down, but I am also letting down everyone else. Sometimes, I read reviews that I have received through Fanfictions that I write, and for a small while, I do feel better about myself and my writing. However, than once I start reading over my own, original work and find parts that I am not particularly happy with, I wonder what people see in my writing, and how they think it is as good as it is.

I try and push through self-doubt, because I know it is probably not as bad as it really seems and that I am just being picky, and is probably fixable. I am not sure how you push past these moments, but I think the best I can do at the moment, is ignore it and just let it take space in the back of my mind, somewhere where I can’t see it or hear it.

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